Jan 18, 2023
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Joan Rivers once said: “Half of all marriages end in divorce-and then there are the really unhappy ones”
I have worked with many individuals and couples contemplating separation. I have also worked with individuals and couples to help them get through their separation. Some forward thinking lawyers refer their divorce clients to us, as they realise the client is sometimes using them for emotional support which they are not experts in giving. Not to mention the legal bill rising whilst you cry on their shoulders. The other reason why these forward thinking lawyers refer their clients to us is to make sure that their clients can rationally engage in the process, being able to leave emotion out of their legal decision making. To achieve the best outcomes for their client.
I have always thought good endings are important. I strive to achieve a good ending, whether it’s with a client or my empty wine glass.
A good ending isn’t about what’s best for you but what works for both parties. With any interaction, there are two views, two perspectives and (here we go again, see my previous blogs if you don’t know what I mean) two truths. A good ending is feeling ok about the outcome. It may not have been ideal, but if it’s an outcome we can live with, feel ok about, then it’s good enough. The divorce process shouldn’t be a confrontation, that will have already happened, probably many times, nor should it be a weapon to harm, it’s a negotiation. All negotiations have to include compromise.
When relationships break down, it’s always good to remember the qualities that made you fall in love with that person in the first place. They may not be the person that sits opposite you now at the end of the relationship, but they will still retain some of those qualities somewhere, they may wish not to reveal them or you may wish not to see them, but they are there. Reflect on the person they were to help you through the separation process. Try not to focus on the grounds you’ve discovered for divorce but the grounds that brought you together in marriage. Don’t forget, you will probably know that person better than anyone, it’s possibly that understanding of one another that has led to separation, you know their thinking, their behaviour patterns, their likely trajectory for the future, the fact that you were significant in their life, you may have children together, that’s your power, draw on that strength.
Even when we are hurting we can offer some neutral space to negotiate a good ending. It will be so important for the future. That could be your goal, building good foundations for the future. You need to grieve the relationship and then identify what it is that you need.
A client once said something that I have reflected on many times, they said that “they got over the marriage, but not the divorce”. I’m going to say that again as I think it’s really important to think about:
“I got over the marriage but not the divorce”.
Do you want this to be you? How will not getting over the divorce impact on your future, your current or future relationships, your conscience?
Shannon L. Alder is an American author and therapist, this quote I believe is one to ask yourself, when you are hurting and feeling vulnerable, to achieve a good outcome, not the best, not to win, but to live with so you can build a solid foundation for your new future. You deserve a great future, try not to sabotage it with what has happened, we can’t change the past.
“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you're allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”
Disclaimer: This article has been designed for entertainment and informational purposes; it is not personalised medical advice. This guide may be a useful read to generate some ideas, however, please take advice from a medical professional.