Thoughts of a Therapist: Divorce

Date

Jan 18, 2023

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Joan Rivers once said: “Half of all marriages end in divorce-and then there are the really unhappy ones”

I have worked with many individuals and couples contemplating separation. I have also worked with individuals and couples to help them get through their separation. Some forward thinking lawyers refer their divorce clients to us, as they realise the client is sometimes using them for emotional support which they are not experts in giving. Not to mention the legal bill rising whilst you cry on their shoulders. The other reason why these forward thinking lawyers refer their clients to us is to make sure that their clients can rationally engage in the process, being able to leave emotion out of their legal decision making. To achieve the best outcomes for their client. 

I have always thought good endings are important. I strive to achieve a good ending, whether it’s with a client or my empty wine glass. 

A good ending isn’t about what’s best for you but what works for both parties. With any interaction, there are two views, two perspectives and  (here we go again, see my previous blogs if you don’t know what I mean) two truths. A good ending is feeling ok about the outcome. It may not have been ideal, but if it’s an outcome we can live with, feel ok about, then it’s good enough. The divorce process shouldn’t be a confrontation, that will have already happened, probably many times, nor should it be a weapon to harm, it’s a negotiation. All negotiations have to include compromise. 

When relationships break down, it’s always good to remember the qualities that made you fall in love with that person in the first place. They may not be the person that sits opposite you now at the end of the relationship, but they will still retain some of those qualities somewhere, they may wish not to reveal them or you may wish not to see them, but they are there. Reflect on the person they were to help you through the separation process. Try not to focus on the grounds you’ve discovered for divorce but the grounds that brought you together in marriage. Don’t forget, you will probably know that person better than anyone, it’s possibly that understanding of one another that has led to separation, you know their thinking, their behaviour patterns, their likely trajectory for the future, the fact that you were significant in their life, you may have children together, that’s your power, draw on that strength. 

Even when we are hurting we can offer some neutral space to negotiate a good ending. It will be so important for the future. That could be your goal, building good foundations for the future. You need to grieve the relationship and then identify what it is that you need. 

A client once said something that I have reflected on many times, they said that “they got over the marriage, but not the divorce”. I’m going to say that again as I think it’s really important to think about:

“I got over the marriage but not the divorce”.

Do you want this to be you? How will not getting over the divorce impact on your future, your current or future relationships, your conscience?

Shannon L. Alder is an American author and therapist, this quote I believe is one to ask yourself, when you are hurting and feeling vulnerable, to achieve a good outcome, not the best, not to win, but to live with so you can build a solid foundation for your new future. You deserve a great future, try not to sabotage it with what has happened, we can’t change the past.

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you're allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”

Disclaimer: This article has been designed for entertainment and informational purposes; it is not personalised medical advice. This guide may be a useful read to generate some ideas, however, please take advice from a medical professional.

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Daniel was kind and helpful to my family member . Gave strategies to help with stress and anxiety that can use . Liked the practical exercises and has kept the list he made at his final sessions to remind him of all the positive things they talked about

Fran Bostyn

I've been seeing Mandy for a year now and she has transformed my life. I can't thank her enough. Having seen numerous therapists over the years I've never found anyone so effective. Mandy has a wealth of knowledge and I've found her very easy to open up to. Cannot recommend highly enough.

Siobhan Thew

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Rob Griffiths

I've just finished my last session with my therapist - Debbie, and I can't thank her enough for helping me through a difficult time in my life and seeing the light. I was very apprehensive at first, I've never had counselling before and I was in denial about my problem. But speaking to Debbie is one of the best things I've done, she is friendly, caring and it felt natural talking to her, and she gave me the tools I need to help get better. Very easy booking through Head Agenda, would highly recommend.

Cat I

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Miguel Garrido-Letelier

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Holly Dixon

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Megan Barnes

Counselling will start this week but my initial contact with Head Agenda has been great. Lovely friendly reply to my initial email enquiry, followed by a phone call from Amanda who was very easy to talk and was very reassuring and helpful with all my questions and concerns.

Pen C.

Highly recommended! One of the best investments of my life. A very friendly, kind and professional team. The atmosphere of the place is also great: very calm and relaxing. I went to try CBT and after a few sessions, it worked! I am happier and know myself much better now. I will always be grateful! Thank you, Mandy.

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Natasha Barlow

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Emily X

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Sacha Ghionis

I honestly can't recommend Head Agenda enough. When I first enquired by email the response was prompt, professional and clear. I was very quickly assigned to Jane Hickson, who agreed to work with me flexibly around my work schedule. Although I didn't have many sessions, i can honestly say that attending counselling with Jane has changed my life considerably. She really helped me work things out. She was professional, yet kind the whole time. Also, the rooms and surroundings are very comfortable and calming.

Sophie Threlfall

About 4 months ago I decided to try therapy and was recommended Head Agenda by my girlfriend. After getting in contact with them I was assigned to Darren and over that period of time I found him very helpful, I would definitely recommend him and say it was a really positive experience

Barnsley Jack

Have had wonderful, sensitive support from Debra, who has helped me learn to take time to sit with my own grief rather than be present 100% of time for others. She made the sessions relaxed, and I will be getting in touch if there are more bumps in my road further down the line. Thank you.

Kate Riley

Excellent service. Really useful. Helped a lot. Thanks

Lyndon Ogden

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to Debbie who I had many sessions with earlier this year. At first I was very hesitant but was by far was the best decision I have made and I am now in a place I could have only dreamt to be in a year ago. I could not recommend Debbie highly enough and genuinely want to thank her from the bottom of my heart.

Bradley Hood

I was lucky enough to be helped by Mark. I can't find any fault with him. He made me feel comfortable from the get-go. Professional but personable, paid more attention to what I was saying than I did! He seems very intelligent but not at all condescending. If you have any issues you would like to talk through, I would recommend Mark 100%.

Joe Craig

Head Agenda were great, and really helped me with my issues. The space was great quiet and private it did not feel intimidating. My therapist Jonathan, took the time to understand my problems and was really helpful and easy to approach. Would recommend.

Robert Rowe

First ever experience with counselling for myself, and it has helped my tenfold. Would recommend to anyone.

Liam Back

I went to Head Agenda to try to tackle my severe anxiety. My therapist Jonathan was really helpful and kind and I now feel more equipped to manage my mental health. The space is calming and welcoming. I would recommend Head Agenda to anyone who is suffering and who needs professional support.

Lauren Piper

I've been seeing June for a while now. I have tried a number of therapies and therapists over the years, but have never really felt heard or understood. I am able to be my authentic self with June, without any fear of judgement or embarrassment. She has an amazing way of challenging my thoughts, in a gentle way, but enough so to allow me to start to reconsider my own thoughts and feelings. She has already had a big impact on my life, and I cannot recommend her highly enough!

The office is lovely and calming, the other staff are always helpful and polite.
100% recommend Head Agenda!

Charlotte Steele

I am glad I went to Head Agenda, great staff and Mark was really helpful and friendly. If you are unsure about going to see anyone then maybe just book an appointment and discuss it with them. Even if you think you are mentally strong there is always room for improvement. I feel like Mark has helped me find the right path to go forward in my life. I would recommend this company :)

The Anunnaki

Debra has been absolutely wonderful in helping me understand my mental health. She’s made me feel so calm and relaxed in sessions. Couldn’t recommend her enough!

Grace Maddox

I can't begin to describe how incredible Darren has been in helping me with my mental health. He enabled me to respect and love myself for the first time in a very long time. I have come a long way since starting my sessions and I will be forever grateful to Darren for facilitating my process of healing. I highly recommend Darren and Head Agenda!

Himani Jayasinghe

Liz was great, can't recommend Head Agenda enough! I went for 12 weeks in total and I feel like it has really got me back on track from the place that I was. Thank you!

Covers by Tom

Can't rate Head Agenda, or my therapist, highly enough. I had my first appointment within two weeks of enquiring and began CAT therapy with Jonathan. His kind, caring and friendly approach instantly helped me to feel relaxed, leading to several breakthroughs during our sessions. My therapy with Jonathan has been genuinely life changing; this is by far the best money I've ever spent. I now feel calmer and more content, and have the tools needed to enjoy better mental health.
If you're ready to put in the work, I'd definitely recommend Head Agenda.

Alannah Graham

Head Agenda has been brilliant for me whilst going through a turbulent time in my life. Mark has been amazing. Calm, kind, professional, a complete expert who helps you work through anything whilst providing you with a range of tools you can use. He increases your self awareness and does it with such a positive reassuring presence that lets you feel relaxed and confident to talk to him. Can't recommend Mark and Head Agenda highly enough.

Simon P.

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Anne-Louise Wells

Great service, really easy to find a therapist to match your needs - spoke to Amanda who was super friendly and made the whole process really painless - thank you!

Sally Hurst

This was my first experience with counselling. I was always reluctant to seek help for whatever reason. With recent health issues I felt that it was the 'icing on the cake' and I needed help. Then I met the wonderful Debbie at Head Agenda. She has guided me more than I ever thought possible. She has helped me see what's truly important and helped me breakdown understand what once felt like big mess in my head! She has taught me so much and I can finally say, today, that I am ready to use her kind words and advice and see how I get on alone. I know she is always there though if I need her one day. I now feel I am strong enough, all thanks to Debbie.

Thank you so much, Deb! You've been an angel x

Jo-Dee Brice

I found Head Agenda through another website which recommended therapists. I have used Head Agenda for roughly 6 months and it has been a transformative experience. My therapist was professional, kind, understanding and helpful with making changes and seeing things in a new way. I can't recommend the experience enough.

Tabitha Connolly

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Thank you

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Michael Greenwood

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to Debbie here at Head Agenda! She has been absolutely amazing in getting me through what felt like a million and one problems when I first went in. I truly came to think of her as a friend and felt her genuine care and want to help me. I always came away from every session feeling lighter and much more positive and she's always been so friendly, sensitive and incredibly relatable. She has guided me through an extremely difficult time in my life and got me through and out of that dark tunnel.

The rooms were always comfortable and inviting and always made me feel at ease to talk

Thank you so much again, Debbie you're an absolute star!

Becky Gill

I have had a few sessions with Debra. When I arrived for my first session she made me feel very comfortable and the session just flew by. Debbie really took the time to understand what I was saying and made me feel like she really wanted to help me through my problems. She has gone over and above expectations, supporting me through a very big decision. The rooms are very relaxing and comfortable and there is barely any noise from outside. I would fully recommend having sessions with Debra. She has really opened up my eyes to the reasons of why I feel the way I do and ways to try and reduce those feelings.

Anna Curry

After years of been in and out of therapy I was sceptical about trying it again, I went in expecting to be disappointed. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The knowledge, empathy and approach Mandy took to with me was something i'd never experienced before. I actually feel excited to start a new chapter of my life and I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for Head Agenda.

10000% recommend!

Megan Barrett